No posts from me in some time I think for a short time I lost my mojo if that’s the right word to use….. Sometimes all the positivity and support in the world can’t help you when you hit a brick wall and can’t seem to smash it down and get through…. However that was then and this is now!
For a while I was sick of feeling pain i was sick of not sleeping I was sick of scans I was sick of bloods being taken I was sick of doctor appointments i was SO OVER chemo I was sick of feeling like I was no fun and just not me from the way I look to the way I feel inside! I started to everyday be like this just isn’t fair on me my husband my family my friends who are my family my work and me being off and not feeling capable to do what I use too and then all of a sudden I thought This is normal and OK to feel like this I’m not a robot I’m not superwoman and maybe it’s about time I felt these feelings rather than pretend everyday that nothing is wrong! I think iv actually now accepted i have an illness and I am gonna struggle sometimes and that’s ok because I’m giving it my All I’m trying my hardest everyday to just be me the new me who is actually doing OK!
So I think I’m through the last wee while of being a bit low with a fake smile on face pretending to the world everything is perfect! It isn’t perfect to people but to me it’s as good as it can be. I need to remember everyday I’m alive I’m living my life my body isn’t giving in on me yet and that with faith hope and strength there will be a cure one day and continued chemo in my life will be over with! As I’m writing this I really think that’s the huge issue its the never ending part I just want it gone and out my body for good but if you flip the coin I’m so grateful to have amazing doctors that have drugs to keep me fighting on! So many people loose Their life’s to this horrible disease for many reasons, it’s diagnosed to late the drugs don’t work maybe they loose the strength to fight because it’s so brutal what their going through I don’t know I just know I need to keep keep the faith and fight on not for me as I same all the time but for the people who I no need me to stick around!
So much for the moment has been taken from me with me having no choice but to accept and deal with it….. But what this won’t take away from me is my life!
Iv never ever for 1 second thought shit I’m gonna be taken by this shitty illness and I sure ain’t loosing the faith now! Iv been through way to much to start being negative!
To all my fellow cancer fighters let’s be string together and remember everyday why we fight!
So this is my 3rd week after last chemo and Scan is Friday coming and results are Monday and these results for me are a huge deal I mean they always are but I really am hoping for a good scan result that will mean no more full on chemo and a change to maintainance chemo (top up chemo) with hopefully no sides effects well no where near what I had! My doctor and consultant need to see blockage and no growth for maintainance to go ahead so I’m saying everyday please please please give me good results and news I wanna here!
I hate this week of waiting I just feel everyday I’m waiting for Monday to come to get results and no what my next chapter to Larry is! I feel worried nervous so emotional and like I wanna be sick just because my scan results are such a huge deal to me and everyone close to me I no is praying for good news! The last time I got told there was growth and treatment was changing I thought I would take news ok but my ok was bursting into tears with the reminder of how real having lung cancer any cancer is! Having to make that phone call to best friends and family was just awful and I dread doing it again! I fight everyday for my life and to be positive determined and happy and be different from everyone else to be the girl that will live and battle this disease but sometimes your mind plays tricks and makes you doubt everything you try to believe and this happens when scan reusults are due I suppose maybe wishing for the utter best news but preparing for the worst just in case you need to be ready for another huge battle!
I live my life normally and sometimes I feel guilty for it worrying about what people think and thinking I’m wrong to pretend like nothing is going on but what else am I meant to do sit about in my house feeling sorry for myself and not enjoy my life as much as I can! This why no matter what happens I will not give up or give in I just need to do what I need to do!
I wrote this blog today to help myself as I am struggling a bit with keeping positive which is never usually an issue but the longer I have this illness and the more treatment I get I start to panic a bit that I use it all up the treatment and there’s eventually nothing else they can do which is a very silly and negative thought to have but its the truth! I try everyday to keep it out my head any thought about Larry that is negative but I’d be lying and I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t worry sometimes!
Anyway my blog today was for me to get out the stuff I don’t wanna say that will upset people I love so much.
Positive positve positive I how I must keep thinking this week especially but always!
Life isn’t fair and can be cruel but do you dwell on this or rise above it! I no what I’m trying to do Xxxz
So 4th chemo is started the sun is shining for me and I’m feeling so happy to say I’ve actually done it and got through it…. My feelings inside today are so strange I feel so emotional but in a good way and nervous for this next week of hopefully not feeling to bad and buzzing to be getting this over with! Been split just split seconds where I have said to my husband I just can’t do this anymore I’m sick of it and I Wanna be normal and it’s just not fair and then I pull myself together and think suck it up theirs people so much worse off than you! but I’m so proud of me and I’m so proud so my husband my family my besties (my guardian angel) everyone has been through a roaller coaster since 28th April 2014 when our nightmare began and check us out now just dealing with this shit! It’s just normal now and I think you have all been amazing! I’m hoping the toughest bit is over iv been through the wars but iv discovered how strong I am and how strong I will always be because I need to be I won’t let me or anyone down! I actually believe I can deal with anything and that strength is due to everyone who supports me and tells me I can do this it! To live with my cancer till there is a cure which I no there will be I no it’s coming I no it is I have so much faith in our research that I no a cure will be found I just no it and until that day comes I will continue to fight on no matter what treatments and obstacles are coming my way! I have realised even more how much I love my life I mean I love love love my life I adore my husband unbelievably and my best friends are my sisters they are my family and I would not be doing this without them! I hope they all know how much I appreciate them and how grateful I am and always will be for their continued support and love! For treating me the same and just never giving up on me ever I need that in my life! I will be in continued debt to them all forever!
So tomorrow is cancer Thank You Day where we take the time to thank everyone who has helped us on our journey with Cancer! I do mine today!
My husband thank you is not a big enough word! Your thee best thing to happen in my life all I do is for you because your happiness is all that matters to me! I love to see you smile!
My guardian angel my sister my rock thank you what would I seriously do without you! I honestly couldn’t do it! You have Been through far too much due to me and I hate to see your tears! I love you! Let the good times roll always!
My best friend since I was little my sister till the end nothing ever breaking us apart we laugh we cry we tell each other everything we just get each other couldn’t be without you thank you
My 3 besties thank you for caring thank you for supporting thank you for not giving up thank you for being positive thank you for making me laugh! I am so blessed to have became friends with such beautiful people!
My mum thank you for doing all you can doing all you can cope with I will never understand the pain you feel no matter what I love you
My mother and father in law and step bro thank you for looking after us and loving us and thank you for being a wonderful supportive family
My 2 people who are like another mum n dad to me thank you for still treating me like family and for caring and loving me especially to my special lady I love you
Our shining superstar/office lady/my amazing friend who always supports me in work and everyday life I am so grateful for you and your years of loyality thank you
My husbands friends who are now my friends that I adore I couldn’t have a nicer bunch of people in my life! Thank you for supporting us both and being their with all your visits and texts we know what wonderful people you are and how much you care
My wonderful job I am the luckiest girl in the world! I love my babies (big and small) they get me through my days and give me the fight in my belly along with our wonderful ladies! Thank you
And Lastly my main man John my consultant who I no will keep me well and always keep me well because the trust and faith I have for him is just unreal he is an amazing person and I am so grateful along with my doctor who finds my drugs very clever man my nurses especially amazing caring Donna and lastly to all the clever caring dedicated researchers who research cancer everyday to find cures and who are doing An Amazing job thank you for what you have given me to help my cancer and thank you for your future cures that I no are coming!
Thank you is such a small word and will never express how I feel!
With that I sign out!
I have finished this chapter and it’s now on to the next! More treatment keeping me fighting fight along with my healthy eating positive mind and fight in my belly!
Never once did i hear you won’t beat this all heard was Girl it’s time to pull your socks up get your boxing gloves on and be the one who will Beat this….. Iv already proved things that I was told would not be possible iv done it and nothing is stopping me no matter how sick how shattered I get I’m never giving up ever because as crazy as I may sound I’m gonna be here for a very long time yet there’s no other option for me I’m not going anywhere and cancer you can try but my body is always ready for you so bring it!!!!!! 💪🏻
Well here and started on 3rd chemo have thee worst butterflies ever not about getting chemo today but about week ahead but trying to stay positive and tell myself I’ll be ok and also look to positive things the main one being this 1 and 1 more and I’m done. That’s gonna be 4 chemos iv got through which is embarrassing to say because I know people getting 12 chemos these people are real life super heroes!!!!!! But I wanna say I’m proud of myself but I find it hard to do because I feel defeated a bit because iv been unwell with it which is just silly! But I always wanna be the one that’s different and sails through it all an comes out the other side like a real life superwoman looking and feeling thee best ever which then gives me that drive that I need to say yyyyaaaassss I’m winning this! But the week I’m ill I’m like a baby hahaha but then I come round and its better so i guess iv done no bad!
I think I’m just gonna need to get use to being a wee fighter! I just need to keep pushing on and remembering never to think I’m unwell its just a blip I need to keep living with and dealing with.
The only time I ever discuss Larry is on this and I love being able to keep the people important to me and I no who are concerned upto date with everything and how I feel then it means when I see everyone there is no need to talk about it coz you all know everything anyway! Plus talking about it feeds it and it loves it. Larry prefers to get interesting chat when I’m with the girls anyway lol!!!!
My thought of today
When I read and hear things I just think negativity is the worse thing to have stop being so negative! I mean i do it and then think stop it stop responding with a no no no negative response! To rebuild anything and sort anything you need a positive mind and need positive surrounding! You must dig deep And find a strength deep inside that will get you through anything! Never mind all this crap you can’t you can’t you can’t YOU CAN! Obviously we all get scared and worry it’s natural it’s human but we need to learn to cope with things and everyone’s coping strategy is different! i won’t lie I’m shit terrified everyday about what my future holds how many years I have left to live if someone’s gonna give up on me and say it’s over and nothing else we can do for you But then i stop breathe and look around and go no this is ridiculous thinking like this and it must stop now! I need to say everyday I have faith in me and I can do it! in life to have what you want the life is to take control suck it up and get on with it and work towards finding ways to deal with all the negative and make it positive! Bad days are aloud but then there needs to be a good day! crying is gonna do nothing utterly nothing the tears release your tension but don’t work to fixing the issue. I have every faith and know i can sort this out and do what’s right for me and if I’m ever wrong then i didn’t loose anything trying! I believe I can get Larry better through medication healthy living and eating and little treats at the weekend my favourite lol but the biggest curer for Larry is my mind being positive my gut believing in me all the time and my heart being filled with faith hope and love that I will be ok!
If I ever doing anything through this I hope it’s to show what a positive mind can achieve along with believing faith hope and love!
Lots of love
Always thinking about my fellow fighting hero and that when times get tough and they feel they have nothing left to give that they find all the strength they need to remember it’s gonna be ok and they can do It they can do anything! I have every faith in you always! Keep fighting never give up! X
Decided not to blog during the 2nd chemo treatment just because I was so ill and felt a bit down I didn’t wanna do a negative blog cause I hate being negative or sounding ungrateful but after getting chemo on the 8th July that was my 2nd one from the sat I was ill just so exhausted so sick ended up fainting about 3 times in one day and it was just pretty bad for 5-6 days couldn’t even get out of bed….. But then the good day comes and you can get up and out of bed and start to try and be normal again! To be ill for a week probably sounds like nothing but it’s just the worse week of my life and I can’t stand how ill it makes me but as I always say if I’m this ill just think what it’s doing to Larry hopeully attacking all those mutations! I cannot believe theirs people who are ill with their chemo for the whole time they go through it I just can’t believe how strong these people are to deal with it! When I start to feel better I’m never back to fully me like I’m always shattered and a bit weak but I’m just so happy not to feel sick and be able to eat! Simple things eh lol!
My amazing husband is always just so good to me but when I’m ill he’s was just my rock he honesty does so much for me and the way he looks after me god I’m never gonna be able to tell him how grateful I am to him and also how sorry I am for turning his world upside down and putting him through this crap we deal with I just think it’s so unfair for him and he deserves so much more but I guess for us it just normal life now and we always say it could be worse their are people dealing with so much more so really you must just be grateful and appreciate all you have! I love him more everyday and couldn’t be as strong as I am without him. He’s why I will always succeed in this journey of living with cancer! Him my family my amazing friends and my work….
So Monday I get scan results of how well little Larry is doing after 2 chemos and find out how many more Il be getting and Wednesday is 3rd chemo day which I actually am dreading but I need to do it so here goes again!
I feel my blog is a bit negative today which I never wanna sound because I’m not negative guess it’s just the reality of getting chemo but I don’t feel sorry for myself I don’t have anger or hate I have no bad feelings at all because this is one bad in my whole life because my life and everyone and everything in it is amazing!
Something happened to me shit happens deal with it best you can and live through it!
So roll on getting this chemo on Wednesday having a brutal week lol and then having some great weekends with friends!!!!!
Lots of love 💙
So yesterday was Defo not as bad as last time… Was able to get up shower and stay up until afternoon when I had a wee nap before getting up again but really pushed myself more just had a different outlook this time not sure If im just feeling a bit more determined or if talking to the man 15years living with cancer has given me more fire in my belly!
Still feel sick still feel shattered but I’m a lot brighter with a wee small smile on my face that I no will get bigger everyday!
So my plan is just to rest up and get better quicker and spend time with my out of this world husband just chilling and doing nothing! With I’m sure my door going to see my beautiful little guardian angel….
Anyway have a lovely weekend all and no matter what you are or aren’t doing just enjoy with the people you love most x
Just been speaking to a man in for his treatment and he tells me he was diagnosed with cancer in the year 2000… That means 15yrs living with cancer!
OMG this man is my hero!!!! He has had cancer 4/5 times in different places throughout his body 5 chemo treatments each lasting 4-12 sessions and every 3 years it comes back and he just takes it on the chin and gets on with it! This just leaves me speechless like utterly speechless! He lives and battles and wins and loses and 15years later he’s still going strong. Diagnosed at 40 now 55 with amazing spirit amazing outlook and looks fab!
Best bit in whole story I tell my family and friends he says don’t come round my house greeting and feeling sorry for me coz I can’t be arsed with it but you can come round to make my dinner with a fecking smile on yer face!!!!
Can’t explain what this stranger has given me more faith and hope and fight than ever!
I text my husband and told him and his response was just perfect! I said this will be me 15 years later and he said….
Nah There will be a cure before we get 15 years down the line so your living well long wee man!!!!
Best friends amazed by my story and hope it fills them with faith im gonna be ok even when it gets bad and they see it and I no they are so devastet I’m gonna be like this man…. I love sharing these stories with you it helps me give u something back!
This is a story for my mum hopefully she will stop greeting and just make my dinner in future with a fecking smile hahaha xxxxx